Science tells us we've been here for at least 13.7 billion years. That's more than twice the number of human population on earth.

2 years per person.

On Studying Medicine

It’s funny how hard we are working to understand how our body works. How hard we are at trying to comprehend the complex system which is at the same time so innate in its most literal sense. It’s almost as though our conscious human mind and functioning physiological body are two separate entities. We are just our frontal + parietal lobes trying to understand the rest of us - and the thought makes one feel somewhat lonely. We are so well clothed by the dead cells that are our skin that the only thing we own that is adequately exposed to the outside world is our sense of perception - and the only thing mine wants is to explore my own innards - my insides looking in and failing - like trying to squint my eyes focusing on an object placed within too close a distance

Q

His manners, though not outrightly rude, were still at moments glaringly unpolished. It was not this, however that hindered her regard - it was those fleeting but not insignificant instances when she caught his gaze - itself darkened like a mixture of affection with something more sinister, insatiable and perhaps even voracious - that made her uncomfortable. Sometimes she feels too the radiating hatred that accompanies this gaze prickling the back of her neck - as if he blames her for his unrequited attachment.

Once I had a bestfriend who loved me too much, and while since then he was most envious of my indifference, I was the one who should be more jealous of him.

To love (almost) unconditionally, and to know. To accept.

On our current predicament

I have friends and relatives in Egypt.

& I know I’m being ungrateful, or even selfish, but there’s this part of me that’s (perhaps inappropriately) envious. Especially given the current circumstance.

I wanna live on the edge. Where you risk losing everything and nothing at the same time. I want to soak in the exhilaration. Flirt with death and relish the temporary self-proclaimed anarchy. To scream along to burning vehicles. To feel nothing and everything. To hold hands in protest. To see things people sing about taking place right in front of me. To be part of history.

Save lives. Be saved myself.

I need to believe there is still hope and where else is best to find it but the very place where all hope is seemingly lost?

I want to go to a place at war.

(I must be going mental)

I want to contribute a voice, a service. I just, want to be there.

Most of all, I need a feeling. I need something to fight for.

Kosong.

dalam kekosongan juga ada kata?

ada makna?

ada rasa.

tolong cari lagi.

tolong cari aku dalam kekosongan ini.

If my fifteen year old self were to see me like this, she would click her tongue and save me from this neck-deep mess. She would clean me up and tell me to pull myself together, that the world is my oyster, that one day I'll win the Nobel and marry a handsome lord. If my fifteen year old self were to be here, you'd probably fall in love with her and she would ignore you.

If she knew this is what was going to happen, she wouldn't have readily given herself to the world and turned into me.